I’m not strapped for cash, but I liked some of the perks of being promoted. The 401K especially. Being forty-three means, I need to start thinking about the long term. However, the only way I was going to get promoted was if Jennings died. I meant that figuratively not literally.
On a whim, I searched for a hitman on the internet, which isn’t as easy as it seems. It took months. They are expensive, and rightly so. Or I thought they were. Most basic hits ran close to 25K. There was no guarantee about not getting found out. The more it costs, the better the hit would be.
Once I found SafeGroup, all that changed. I signed up, paid the initial cost, twenty-five bucks, and entered my credit card information. I’m not new to ordering on the internet, I checked for the lock and the other things, they had them. After waiting a day, I filled out my list. The top of the list was Jennings.
Handing over Jennings’ information was easy. I had been to his house a few times and met his wife. He worked for the same company as I did, so that was a no-brainer.
The rest of the list, I didn’t care about. But, I had to put three on there.
The next name that sprang to my mind was Lawrence Davis, the kid who terrorized me in middle school. Putting him on there was just a fantasy, at least one for twelve-year-old me.
The next was Bart Kilgore, my brother-in-law. He owed me a good fifteen thousand. I would never see it, but that is what family is for. To help each other out. If only I could keep my wife from giving him money.
I stopped at the required three and continued with my day. The whole experience was cathartic and worth the twenty-five I gave them.
At the end of the week, my credit card got dinged for a grand. I was livid. When I checked the statement, it showed SafeGroup. It had to be a joke or something. I dove for my laptop and scoured the site to get a refund and cancel my membership.
There wasn’t one.
There was no contact information, either.
Franklin Rice called us all into the conference room after lunch. The SafeGroup would have to wait.
Franklin announced that Jennings was killed in a horrific car accident.
My ears rang.
I wanted the promotion, but not this way. It was supposed to be a joke.
As I headed home, Franklin approached me to tell me the promotion was mine. I could wait a month not to seem crass.
Damn. Harsh.
Honestly, it would give me time to find out if they could connect me to the crime. I know that sounds terrible, but I had a problem.
All my thoughts became focused on two things. My cover story for when the cops found me and how to move into the corner office without being a dick.
The next two weeks were smooth, sort of. I was so focused on CYOA that I missed things, nothing too important, but still.
I checked my socials and found a post from an old high school friend. He said that Lawrence Davis died. He drowned in a boating incident. Lawrence was on the high school swim team; there was no way he drowned.
Shit, SafeGroup.
My statement reflected another grand deducted—double shit.
I called the credit card company and lied. They changed my account number and sent me a new card. That should do it.
A day later, I checked SafeGroup. My account was updated. There was also an advertisement saying a special on two-for-ones.
Bart was supposed to visit next month.
Things were going sideways and fast.
For the rest of the month, I focused on my COYA plan, which wasn’t much. Act normal and don’t add to the list.
I moved into my new office at the requested time. My coworkers were happy, and my tensions died down.
A woman knocked on my door the next day. “My name is Marta,” she said. “From your activity on SafeGroup, you are interested in canceling.”
Rushing to close the door, I nodded.
“We get this often,” she said and took a seat. “We have a stipulation on that. Purchase two more, at full price, pay the penalty, and you are released.”
“Are you kidding me?”
Her warm smile told me she wasn’t. “From what I understand, you can afford it. Easily.”
She wasn’t wrong.
“So you have my brother-in-law,” I said. “All I need is one more.” A hard choice.
“No,” Marta said. “Your brother-in-law is already on the list. Two additional need to be added.”
“What guarantees do I have that you’ll leave me alone.”
“Simply put,” she said and batted her eyes at me. “None. But, I can guarantee that they will never link to you.”
I knew why. A review from someone in jail on this sort of thing would shut them down.
“What if I keep paying, but don’t select anyone?” It seemed like a steady cash flow at this point. In a few years, they would have their money from me.
“That does work,” Marta said. “But, it ties your hands.”
“I know,” I said. They are either tied or cuffed. “Something may come up in the future.”
Marta tilted her head. “Isn’t it always funny how that might happen?” She stood and strode toward the door. “You did read the fine print? You know you can’t target yourself or us.”
I nodded.
“Three years,” she said and twisted the knob. “If you refer two friends, we’ll cut six months off.” She waved her fingers at me, then left.
This was my best option. Three years worrying about it might kill me. But going to jail wouldn’t work.
My cell rang. It was my wife.
“Honey?” She said. “You know my brother is supposed to come out for a visit in a few days.”
“Yes,” I said. “How much does he want this time?”
“Honestly,” my wife said. “He doesn’t always borrow money from us.”
“Yes, he does.”
“Ok, fine,” she said. “It is the largest amount, but it will be the last time. Eight.”
“He promises, too,” I said. Predictable.
“Uh…yeah. Dammit,” she said. “Fine. I promise.”
“Like last time?”
“You’re an ass,” she said. “This is it. No more lending–“
“Giving,” I interrupted. “We’ll never see any of it.”
“Fine,” she sighed over the phone. “No more giving him money.”
“Ok,” I said. “We wait until his visit is over.”
“He’ll be here for five days,” she said.
“I know,” I said. My fingers flew over the keys on my keyboard. “This way, he stays the entire time, and you two and work things out.” I jammed my finger on the mouse, submitting the update.
“Oh, I like that,” she said. “Thank you, honey.” She blew me a kiss and hung up.
The large orange letters saying my task was in progress blinked on my screen.
“Pay a grand to not pay eight grand? So worth it.”
On a whim, I searched for a hitman on the internet, which isn’t as easy as it seems. It took five months. They are expensive, and rightly so. Or I thought they were. Most basic hits ran close to 25 thousand. There was no guarantee about not getting found out. The more it costs, the better the hit would be.
Once I found SafeGroup, all that changed. I signed up, paid the initial cost, twenty-five bucks, and entered my credit card information. I’m not new to ordering on the internet, I checked for the lock and the other things, they had them. After waiting a day, I filled out my list. The top of the list was Jennings.
Handing over Jennings’ information was easy. I had been to his house a few times and met his wife. He worked for the same company as I did, so that was a no-brainer.
The rest of the list, I didn’t care about. But, I had to put three on there.
Lawrence Davis, the kid who terrorized me in middle school, was up next. Putting Larry on the list was just a fantasy, at least one for twelve-year-old me.
The next was Bart Kilgore, my brother-in-law. He owed me a good fifteen thousand. I would never see it, but that is what family is for. To help each other out. If only I could keep my wife from giving him money.
I stopped at the required three and continued on with my day. The whole experience was cathartic and worth the twenty-five I gave them.
At the end of the week, my credit card got dinged for a grand. I was livid. When I checked the statement, it showed SafeGroup. It had to be a joke or something. I dove for my laptop and scoured the site to get a refund and cancel my membership.
There wasn’t one.
There was no contact information, either.
Franklin Rice called us all into the conference room after lunch. The SafeGroup would have to wait.
Franklin announced that Jennings was killed in a horrific car accident.
My ears rang.
I wanted the promotion, but not this way. It was supposed to be a joke.
As I was headed home, Franklin approached me to tell me the promotion was mine. I could wait a month to not seem crass.
Damn. Harsh.
Honestly, it would give me time to find out if they could connect me to the crime. I know that sounds terrible, but I had a problem.
All my thoughts became focused on two things. My cover story for when the cops found me and how to move into the corner office without being a dick.
The next two weeks were smooth, sort of. I was so focused on CYOA that I missed things, nothing too important, but still.
I checked my socials and found a post from an old high school friend. He said that Lawrence Davis died. He drowned in a boating incident. Lawrence was on the high school swim team, there was no way he drowned.
Shit, SafeGroup.
My statement reflected another grand was taken—double shit.
I called the credit card company and lied about losing my card as I dropped it into the shredder. They changed my account number and sent me a new card. That should do it.
A day later, I checked SafeGroup. My account had been updated. There was also an advertisement saying a special on two-for-ones.
Bart was supposed to visit next month.
Things were going sideways and fast.
For the rest of the month, I focused on my COYA plan, which wasn’t much. Act normal and don’t add to the list.
I moved into my new office at the requested time. My coworkers were happy, and my tensions died down.
A woman knocked on my door the next day. “My name is Marta,” she said. “From your activity on SafeGroup, you are interested in canceling.”
Rushing to close the door, I nodded.
“We get this often,” she said and took a seat. “We have a stipulation on that. Purchase two more, at full price, pay the penalty, and you are released.”
“Are you kidding me?”
Her warm smile told me she wasn’t. “From what I understand, you can afford it. Easily.”
She wasn’t wrong.
“So you have my brother-in-law,” I said. “All I need is one more.” A hard choice.
“No,” Marta said. “Your brother-in-law is already on the list. Two additional need to be added.”
“What guarantees do I have that you’ll leave me alone.”
“Simply put,” she said and batted her eyes at me. “None. But, I can guarantee that they will never be linked to you.”
I knew why. A review from someone in jail on this sort of thing would shut the company down.
“What if I keep paying, but don’t select anyone?” It seemed like a steady cash flow at this point. In a few years, they would have their money from me.
“That does work,” Marta said. “But, it ties your hands.”
“I know,” I said. My hands are either tied or cuffed. “Something may come up in the future.”
Marta tilted her head. “Isn’t it always funny how that might happen?” She stood and strode toward the door. “You did read the fine print? You know you can’t target yourself or us.”
I nodded.
“Three years,” she said and twisted the knob. “If you refer two friends, we’ll cut six months off.” She waved her fingers at me, then left.
This was my best option. Three years worrying about it might kill me. But going to jail wouldn’t work.
My cell rang. It was my wife.
“Honey?” She said. “You know my brother is supposed to come out for a visit in a few days.”
“Yes,” I said. “How much does he want this time?”
“Honestly,” my wife said. “He doesn’t always borrow money from us.”
“Yes, he does.”
“Ok, fine,” she said. “It is the largest amount, but it will be the last time. Eight.”
“He promises, too,” I said. Predictable.
“Uh…yeah. Dammit,” my wife said. “Fine. I promise.”
“Like last time?”
“You’re an ass,” she said. “This is it. No more lending–“
“Giving,” I interrupted. “We’ll never see any of it.”
“Fine,” she sighed over the phone. “No more giving my brother money.”
“Ok,” I said. “We wait until his visit is over.”
“He’ll be here for five days,” she said.
“I know,” I said. My fingers flew over the keys on my keyboard. “This way, he stays the entire time, and you two and work things out.” I jammed my finger on the mouse, submitting the update.
“Oh, I like that,” she said. “Thank you, honey.” She blew me a kiss and hung up.
The large orange letters saying my task was in progress blinked on my screen.
“Pay a grand to not pay eight grand? So worth it.”
Shorts 